Body of Evidence
The introduction of full body scanners at Suvarnabhumi International Airport caused some technical problems of a perhaps predictable nature.
‘Whoa, would you get a look at this guy’s kor kor nor.’
‘Hey, we’re supposed to be checking for explosives, not admiring people’s underwe – holy bananas, what’s he got in there?’
‘Dunno, but anything that size looks suspicious to me. What do you think?’
‘OK, get him in and strip him down.’
‘Excuse me sir, would you pass this way?’
‘What’s the matter? I have a plane to catch.’
‘We quite understand sir, but the body scan has shown up something we would like to, er, look at in more detail.’
‘Look at what?’
‘Well, sir, not to put too fine a point on it, so to speak, we suspect you’ve got something in your underwear.’
‘Is this a joke? Of course I have something in my underwear. Don’t you?’
‘Sir, I’m sure you are aware of the attempt to blow up a plane over Detroit at Christmas. That person was wearing explosives in his underwear. I am afraid we need to check all suspicious, er, - anything that looks bigger than norm- , anything out of the ordinary. I’m sure you understand the need for safety precautions, sir.’
‘Sure I do, but, hey, this is guy to guy, yeah? Are you telling me that I’m a threat to the plane just because I’m better hung than you guys? Eh? Maybe a threat to those nice little hostesses you have on board, know what I mean?’
‘Well if that’s the case, sir, I’m sure you won’t mind slipping off your trousers and letting us see what you’ve got in there.’
‘Now listen, guys, is this absolutely necessary? I mean, this could get embarrassing.’
‘For us sir, or for you? I’m afraid that unless you can prove that the contents of your underpants are harmless, you will not be allowed to board the plane.’
‘Oh for - alright then, but I’m making a formal complaint against the Airports Authority of Thailand for intrusion of privacy. There. Satisfied?’
‘Completely, sir. Thank you for your cooperation, have a nice flight and to avoid future embarrassment, perhaps next time you should pack your socks in your luggage.’
A mobile phone rings. The ring-tone is the Beatles tune ‘I’m looking through you’.
‘Yeah, what’s up? … He can’t drop the price like that! … Listen, I’m risking my neck here sending him the juiciest pics we get, all A-class stuff, front and back. He can’t suddenly say he’s not interested. … What’s he talking about, supply and demand? … What? He’s getting stuff from central Asia? … Well of course theirs are bigger, that’s why there’s so many of them working down on Soi Nana. … The internet can’t be overloaded with porn, it’s a logical impossibility. … Oh alright but make sure he removes the ID tags before he posts them, OK? … Listen, they want me here, I’ll call you back.’
‘Hey, get a load of this tukata. Right, let’s get this little lovely tight up against the screen.’
‘Excuse me, miss, do you think you could raise your arms like this and … Tell you what, let me stand behind you and show you how.’
‘Is this OK? Don’t I have to take anything off?’
‘Well, er, it’s not strictly necessary, but if you …’
‘Like my belt or shoes?’
‘Er, maybe not this time. Now just hold it there. Great. And one more just for luck. Good. Now turn around and …’
‘Just what the hell is going on here?’
‘Sorry, sir, body screening, sir. For security, sir.’
‘And she fits your profile of a potential terrorist, does she?’
‘Er, random check, sir. Making sure the machine gives us a good shot of her - er, a clear image.’
‘Didn’t you check the passenger list? She’s coming with me to check out airport security in Bali, Hawaii, the Seychelles and the Maldives. It’s our Round-the-World Island Paradise Observation of Foreign Facilities. We’re official, so we do not go through this security malarkey. Especially our baggage. Is that understood?
‘Yes, sir. Ah, I’ve found her. Listed as your personal karaoke attendant.’
‘Er, yes, that’s right. Very important on these tiring trips. I need her to keep up morale. And things.’
‘I see, sir. She’s your RIPOFF artiste.’
About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).
Comments
I for one am looking forward
I for one am looking forward to the "inside leg" search,....have u seen the gorgeous security at swampy!!!
Sanook! Well done, HG! Glad
Sanook! Well done, HG! Glad to see you're keeping it up in the New Year.
Ah yes, the socks...it takes me back. In my extreme youth I worked backstage with the company now known as the Oz Ballet. When Rudolph Neurotic graced the boards of the Elizabethan Theatre, Newtown, his dresser told me that Rudi used 2 pairs of socks to enhance his image.
Reminds me of the padding women used to put in their bras. In one of Tennessee Williams' plays they're referred to as "gay deceivers".
Apparently, there's only one
Apparently, there's only one thing men are proud to be 'small', his cellphone.
Well, you can speak of the
Well, you can speak of the size of body parts... or of body size itself. Often the measure of body size is imaginatively taken with a measuring tape of political calibration.
Khao Yai land was sold to cash buyer
This is the essential corruption of the "military-elite" Thai State in microcosm.
The military elite first flout the "law" in a sort of generalization of Leona Helmsley's principle : "Taxes are for little people". "Law" is for the "little people" as it is applied in Thailand.
The burueacracy turns over "degraded forest land" to the little people and the big people then swoop down to "buy" it from them. I say "buy" because there is no bona-fide "sale" as the deal is illegal from the start. The "degraded forest land", degraded under the watchful eye of the big people at the "Forestry Department", was turned into a "peasant plot" : that is the big people's scheme is a plot against the honorable peasants, the little people, allowing them to take nominal title to the officially "degraded forest lands" for 10 or 15 minutes before the big man on the horse arrives to turn it into "gold" - though just a little "gold", for little people.
Big buyer number one then "sells", again no sale because "title" was frauduently "conveyed" in the first instance, to big buyer number two and all the big criminals are "forgiven". That is the big, bureaucratic "elite" forgive themselves. Transported at once from sordid, little reality to the big, empyrean realm they declare no harm done... because they "intended" no harm.
"Forgiveness" is reserved for the big people who degrade forest lands, who debase the Thai environment, who poison and who slowly murder the Thai people themselves, who occasionally murder them, presto, with bullets or clubs, or burn them alive; while jail time, meted out by the decade in secret trials, is reserved for those little people who commit "thought crimes" : who dare to contemplate the sort of Brobdignagian crimes committed by the bigs, and then to remark upon them.
The bigs know exactly how the game is played. The Bangkok Post and The Nation dutifully "report" it. Life, such as it is among the bigs, goes on as it does for the rest of little us.
But the Lilliputians tamed Gulliver when he tired in his travels and the little people everywhere will similarly tame the bigs in the ample fullness of time.
Nice to see you in an
Nice to see you in an optimistic mood JFL, - your prolific efforts are appreciated, but my pessimism makes me think the 'ample fullness of time' might unfortunately have to be counted in terms of hundreds or thousands of years.
There's a bit of optimism
There's a bit of optimism within your pessimistic remark, isn't it? : )
I remain an optimistic
I remain an optimistic pessimist (or a pessimistic optimist:)